You see me on my good days.
When I am up and around.
When I have a smile on my face.
When I am laughing.
When I am vibing.
When I am feeling okay
You see me when I am steady
You don’t see me on my bad days
When I am feeling down.
When I am struggling on the inside
The headaches and nausea
The nerve pain and the numbness
The lows that can kill me in a moment
The fight that I cannot give up
You don’t see my sickness
You see me, but you don’t see inside
The burn out is real. After so long going through certain things daily you just have to take a mental break. It came out of nowhere, and I just cant make myself get back into the game of life right now. It has been a while since I have posted on here and I wanted to update and say I am still alive. The first year of home schooling went great, we are continuing and things are progressing in every aspect of life now. I will be back on soon.
I feel like I am becoming more detached from the things goin on around me and I am working out how to change that.
It has been a while since I have posted on here, and I meant to do it quite regularly, but life gets busy. I have been busy with school for myself and for my wee one. I had a very important person in my life pass, and it has been rough coming to terms with that. I am currently doing finals for my class, my car is having electrical issues due to the weather, and more. I have been trying to keep busy, but with my school term coming to an end, I am finding it more difficult to keep myself occupied. It has been a rough time for my family and I am explaining death my wee one seems to be understanding and is coping very well. I will try not to let time lapse as much between my posts, however life gets busy and that cannot be helped.
Howdy, it has been a while since I have last posted my thoughts on here. I have been busy as of late. I have mentioned starting to home-school my wee one, and that has been a wonderful experience, but of course time consuming. Knowing exactly where my child is learning wise has been eye opening. I can tailor her class work to target areas she is struggling with and have seen great improvement over the last month, especially in her math skills. It is true that main steam or public school is no longer the best way to provide an education. There is so much destruction in the world, and though I do not want to hinder her or make her naive, I do feel that she is too young to be subjected to society and the pressures that seem to be put on ones so young.
I am looking forward to seeing her open up and be more eager to learn. I will try to post more often, time gets away from me at times with how life goes now a days.
There are many complications that follow being Dx (diagnosed) with Diabetes. For me that started just under 8 years ago. It was a shock when I was told that I had Type 1 Diabetes. I had never heard of the disease, never been around anyone with it. I had a friend who’s mom was a Type 2 but she only said she was diabetic so I didn’t know there was different types.The physical and mental toll this disease takes on a person really pushes the limits at times. I am more in control of my body that you could imagine. I maintain the balance myself because my body has failed to do so. I was, and often times still am, overwhelmed. I had a 5 month old baby, was tired all the time and sickly. I was lucky to have my mom there for support. She has been a solid rock for me through all of this. I felt like the doors on my life were shutting for a while after I found out. I decided that I could do this. I was strong enough to have a child, I felt that I was strong enough to take on this new challenge. That being said: flash forward 7.5 years and I am not doing the best I can. I struggle with controlling my diet. I am an emotional eater. I cannot control myself at times. I have considered OEA, Over Eaters Anonymous, and there are meetings in the next town over, but I didn’t go. I decided to change on my own. I figured if I have been able to overcome everything else, this would be no different. I changed what I ate, I started eating salads with spinach, I bought whole grain, I even stopped eating fast food in 2016. I cut so much out, and yet I am still suffering from the consequences of my actions. I cannot sleep most night, tossing and turning from the burning and pain in my legs and especially my left foot. I dropped a knife the other day and I cut my foot down the side, I did not realize until my wee one said I was bleeding. That is how bad my feet are, I did not feel a knife cut my foot. I stepped on a wasp today and got stung, I didn’t feel anything. The stinger was still in my foot. I have to get my blood sugars under better control.
I am told that if I can control my glucose reading, the Neuropathy will reverse and I will start to heal. Healing. That is another danger with this illness. The healing rate is about 8 times slower than a healthy individual. That is how infections set it and spread. I have to check my feet daily, I have to wear something on my feet at all times. I have house shoes because that is how careful I have to be with my feet. This is just some of the dangers. I know there are others who suffer more than I do from this disease and I am grateful that I have only had these complications this far. I have found that literally everything, temperature outside or in the shower, amount of food eaten or not eaten at a certain time, amount of water I drink, everything effects my blood sugars. Stress, being nervous, excited, angry, all of it effects me. I feel numb mentally some days, and other days I find that I am content and without a care. I see how my child reacts when I am sick and it saddens me what she has seen me go through both at home and at the hospital.
People ask me how I could inject myself daily, but the thing is the shots don’t bother me at all. They are just a daily routine that I do and I am used to it after all this time. I can give a shot without flinching and go on about my day. The real problems are what people don’t see. The mental burn out, the low energy, low blood sugars, crawling on the floor to the kitchen so I can find food to save my life. I can literally feel my heart beating and know that my sugars are so low that I am actively dying. I know that if I do not find the strength to get up and get sugar in me, there is no coming back. That is the worst part about it all. I can actually feel myself dying, and there are times I have thought about just going back to sleep. Just the what if I close my eyes and lay there a little longer, but then I pull myself up, get what I need and survive. No one, unless they have felt this feeling themselves, could ever understand what this can do to a person.
As I sit here, I have so many thoughts. I am about to start a new adventure, and my wee one is taking it with me. I am going to be taking on the role of teacher from home. I have had the unfortunate pleasure of seeing the uglier side of public school. I see so many things that my wee one does that I struggled with when I was younger but I did not have the added ignorance of the staff, or at least I did not realize it. I came to this decision about 6 months ago when I started looking into alternative schooling, but I finalized my choice a few short months ago and decided to do school from home. I only have 1 child, and that is the way it is staying. I cannot help but think of what would happen if I cannot do this. I feel like I am setting my child up for failure in her future. I have health problems, complications from my diabetes and I have days where I cannot function on a higher level. I do not want her to suffer because I cannot keep constant control of my illness. Everyone has doubt, that is a normal occurrence. I have had so many negative thoughts about teaching and my level of knowlegde, but then I started thinking about my school experience I am having right now and how many classes in college I have taken, thinking I know for sure I will fail, and coming out on top and that makes me think I can do this too.
I ask her about home schooling and at first she was against it, but then she started to like the idea. She has days where she goes back and forth about wanting to attend a regular school and wanting to be home schooled. Towards the end, after fighting for 5 months to get her changed out of a toxic environment and into another class, she was finally changed, the effects on her were immediately noticeable. She started doing her work, was happier and wasn’t having panic attacks daily when I would drop her at school. My mom always says “Public school isn’t best for everyone, some just learn differently.” I can definitely see that is true. It is all about balance. I just have to find ours.
I am excited and yet nervous to start this new adventure, but it is for the best of my wee one and that is what matters.
This is my first ever blog. I am excited to dive right in. I will be talking about things that I have experienced during life. You may relate and you may not. Either way I would like to know your thoughts. More coming soon.